Self-Compassion As The Greatest Act of Resilience in the Face of Anti-Asian Hate
“I am not invisible. I am an Asian American woman and my pain is valid and deserves space and care. I choose self-compassion as my greatest act of resilience in the face of anti-Asian hate.”
Let me be clear. I am not okay. The Asian American community is not okay. Asians in America have been under attack for a long time now. As I write this note, I am afraid for my 妹妹 (mui mui/little sister) Michelle’s safety because yesterday a man shouted “Ching Chong Chong” at her and there’s nothing I can do to protect her from the violence and pain of racial trauma that I know too well myself. I cannot keep myself or my family safe from racism. “Trauma is the feeling of not being safe and the feeling of safety being replaced with fear and anxiety.”
I learned in the last month where we do have power is in telling our own stories, and we, as Asians, are excellent storytellers. You know some of the best stories are from our 公公 (gung gung/grandfather) and 婆婆 (po po/grandmother). While I cannot keep you safe from racism, I wrote you this note my dear 妹妹 (mui mui/little sister)Michelle to encourage you to tell your own story with self-compassion and to honor your truth and protect yourself from the lies sharpened to hurt you. This is all 姐姐 (jiejie/older sister) can do for you and I hope it is enough to lift you up and hold you in love.
P.S. My dear 妹妹 (mui mui/little sister) Michelle, I love you and I am so proud of the strong, kind, and brilliant Asian American woman you’ve grown up to become. You matter and take up space because the world needs who you are. I hope you always remember this world is better because you exist in it.
- Be Compassionate As Your Own Friend
We’re all naturally compassionate. We’ve all seen someone cry and their pain moved us to offer them solace and comfort. That’s compassion! We need to offer ourselves that same type of compassion which is what self-compassion is.
So, I started to approach myself as my friend Sandy and what I would say and do for her given what she’s experiencing in the moment.
“Hi Sandy, there was a hate crime in Atlanta where 8 Asian American women were killed. The current anti-Asian violence is re-traumatizing and creating new traumatic experiences for you all at the same time. Show grace and kindness to your mind and body as it tries to process that trauma to keep you safe.”
2.Validate Your Experience through Mindfulness
Our mind and body are really good at communicating with us what’s going on through our feelings and thoughts to keep us safe. Just like how pain is a physical reminder that we’re hurt and that lets us know how we got hurt and that we need to allow time for healing. We need to be better listeners to that “gut” feeling.
So, I started to be present for my friend Sandy and really listened to what her thoughts and feelings were telling her.
“Hi Sandy, the train that just hit you is racial trauma. It’s why you’re reliving every act of racist violence that happened in your life. It’s why you don’t feel safe. It’s why you feel frozen and like you want to run at the same time. It’s why you feel numb but also angry and exhausted. It’s why you suddenly fear for your family and friend’s safety. It’s why you feel like you can’t move or else what remains of your world might also crumble to pieces.”
3. Remember You’re Not Alone in Your Human Experience
We, as humans, all want love and to avoid suffering. Feeling is what makes us human. We need to recognize our own humanity. We need to remember the human experience is imperfect.
So, I started to encourage my friend Sandy that every feeling or thought she has through this incredibly difficult moment is what makes her human. It’s okay to not be okay and she is not alone.
“Hi Sandy, you’ve been under attack for a long time as an Asian in America by racism. You’re hurt and wounded and reacting to that pain. Your suffering makes you human. You matter and your pain matters and demands to be felt.”
4. Show Care and Give Yourself Acts of Kindness to Heal
We need time and space to heal any wound, let alone trauma. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, safety is at the bottom and our pyramid is constantly toppled by safety being pulled out from under us. We need to honor that our minds and bodies are not okay and we need to rebuild tier by tier starting with eating, sleeping, and exercising.
So, I started to not only recognize but also honor what my friend Sandy needs to love and carry her through this moment. Left foot, right foot my friend.
“Hi Sandy, the symptoms of racial trauma you’re experiencing are intense and simple tasks feel impossible which is expected. It’s okay that you’re drained. How can I support you? Do you need to rest, be with your family, or do something that brings you joy like drink boba and cuddle your dogs? It’s okay to not be okay and to ask for help and do what you need to take care of yourself right now.”
To Close
My dear 妹妹 (mui mui/little sister) Michelle and every BIPOC who reads this note, I hope you always remember that self-compassion is the greatest act of resilience we have in the face of racial trauma. We can choose to tell our own stories and the truth is that we matter and the world needs who we are in all of our glory.
